The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 - Review

As if it's not enough that there is a fourth "Twilight" novel, Summit Entertainment decided to split the movie adaptation up into two parts. Well, however, the first three installments in the franchise are some of the best comedies i have ever seen. Each movie features some of the worst dialogue in cinematic history and practically defies human logic. Yet still, it always tops box office charts.
But anyway, we are focusing now on the fourth adaptation "Breaking Dawn Part 1". Boy, i was honestly pretty hyped to see how they are going to fuck this one up. There is some pretty heavy content in that last Twilight novel and i was sure that they could never fit this kind of content (if shown in graphical detail) into a movie for tween girls (tween = borderline teenager).

The plot:
After their wedding, Bella and Edward travel to Rio de Janeiro for their honeymoon, where they finally give in to their passions. But Bella soon discovers she is pregnant...

However talking about this movie without nippicking and without spoilering seemed very senseless to me. To effectively show you how WRONG this movie is, i have to go into detail. So this review is going to be different: I will point out each negative aspect about this movie, mostly concerning the giant plot holes.
(Of course everything i say is concerning the movie adaptation and not the novel.)
So if you want to stay spoilerfree, skip this section and head over to the verdict.

----------------SPOILER ALERT!----------------

- Actor Billy Burke as Bella's father is a perfect representation of a logical thinking human being watching this movie. His facial expression is always like "WTF?!". He doesn't even fight for his daughter anymore. He totally gave up on her. Which brings me to my next point..

- WHY is everybody initially cool with the idea of Bella getting married at the age of 18? Nobody questions this?! Not even Bella's parents?!

- The entire movie has such a sllloooooooow pace, it's a miracle the movie didn't travel back in time.

- Even though Bella and Edward get married, what the've been longing for since the day they met, they STILL constantly find some nonsensical stuff out of nowhere to whine about. Just as if they try really hard NOT to be happy or satisfied for once.

- All the performances from almost everyone in the cast are as if the actors just woke up or something. ESPECIALLY Bella and Edward.

- Although the father is invited to the wedding, he NEVER gets a clue that something about the Cullen family is wrong. THEY ARE PALE AS FUCK! OPEN YOUR EYES YOU STUPID ASS COP!! PLUS, doesn't he ever notice that theres something fishy about his daughter SUDDENLY marrying into a family full of weirdos at the age of 18??! But admitted he never looks that happy about that either.

- The movie's score is total junk. The piano music mostly consists out of two notes played repeatedly. I could probably write something like this...AND I CANNOT PLAY THE PIANO! The other songs are just lame ass pop songs. That's a big minus because usually the score in the other Twilight movies wasn't all that bad.

- Since the first Twilight: Why isn't Ashley Greene, who plays Alice, cast as Bella. She is much hotter and more lively than Kristen Stewart (*no pun intended*).

- The Edward and Bella's wedding kiss goes on's as if they are about to go to second front of the entire audience! They are seriously making out for about a minute!

- The wedding goes on forever......DO SOMETHING! It's honestly like you would watch someones recording of a wedding...and that's ok, except when you PAID MONEY FOR WATCHING A MOVIE!!

- The movie is always comedic when it tries to be serious, and when it tries to be comedic, it's horendously unfunny.

- During the wedding, they just walk away into the woods without anybody's not like the couple is the center of attention throughout the entire wedding...DUH!

- Even though after THREE movies....Jacob STILL can't get over Bella. Even after several characters tell him to get over her and that it's over cause she is married! Why does the movie point out plot holes and doesn't fill 'em in? They never explain why Jacob wants her.

- At the wedding, suddenly everything is cool between Jacob and Edward. Did i miss something or WHY THE FUCK are those rivals friends now?

- For their honeymoon, Edward and Bella fly via the family's private jet to the Cullen familiy's private island.......the family OWNS an ISLAND at the coast of brazil....why the fuck are they living in that stupid ass little town if they OWN AN ISLAND!!! Why have the constant war with the werewolves if you could just move to your OWN island in brazil? IDIOTS!!!

- The movie is dripping with montages for every unnecessary occasion possible. There is a packing montage, a getting ready to fuck montage, and they are always scored by lame pop songs.

- The biggest problem with this movie is that it's boring as fuck. It's seriously one, if not THE most boring movie i have ever seen. NOTHING happens. At least the other movies threw hysterically stupid dialogue and stuff at you constantly. But here, it's always just whining and montages. I mean just count the scenes in which they are indoors and do absolutely NOTHING!

- And even though they are on their honeymoon....THEY ARE STILL ALWAYS WHINING ABOUT SHIT! "Bella this is gre....oh i gave you some tiny bruises from having sex....I AM A MONSTER!".

- On the island, the things they do everyday is having sex or playing chess. Seriously, you don't see them do anything else except for that...IN A MONTAGE (of course)! You own an island but can't come up with something more interesting to do than playing chess?! OMG come up with a bigger boner killer than chess....guess what?...YOU CAN'T!

- During their honeymoon, Bella gets pregnant. And suddenly everyone's shocked as hell. Why are they so shocked that Bella got pregnant?! They had sex WITHOUT PROTECTION! You fucking monkeys! Didn't you go to school or what?!?! At one point Edward is like "Is this even possible?", OF COURSE IT IS! YOU HAD SEX WITHOUT PROTECTION!! GODDAMNIT you MORONS!

- At one point the movie starts adressing abortion....a TWILIGHT movie wants to deliver a message about abortion...good fucking god: not only does the movie's protagonist (that we are supposed to relate to in a way!) TOTALLY fail at handling the subject but it's almost disgusting how the characters treat the unborn child:
the baby constantly gets called names like abomination, demon, etc., and LATER suddenly everything they want is to keep the kid...WTF?!

- The subject of pregnancy and abortion comes right the fuck out of nowhere. It literally gets thrown at you and completely changes the movies pace and mood. From one scene to the next, Bella looks like she is in her ninth month. Just how fast does this baby grow?! They call it fetus but it's definitely no fetus anymore!

- Oh and NOW that Bella is pregnant, Alice can't see the future anymore. OH well, NOW that we need your stupid visions you can't see anything...great! What was your purpose again?

- ***Although, i have to admit that the make up effects in the movie are pretty effective. Bella's make up really makes her look like she lost plenty of weight and is suffering like hell. Good job. That's probably the only plus this movie gets.***

- All special effects in the movie are extremely cheap, just like in the previous films. You know you got problems if your feature hollywood film has effects that look way worse than the ones from several tv series (especially the werewolves).

- Again the werewolves want to kill the Cullen family for some centuries old grudge....WHY DON'T YOU MOVE TO YOUR ISLAND ON BRAZIL!?....WITH YOUR PRIVATE JET?!

- At one point, Edward starts googling on what happens when a human gets pregnant with a vampire baby. And he looks this stuff up on fairytales and mythology....that means...that despite there being several vampires all over the world for hundreds of years....this...NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE?!?! Are you serious?

- PLUS!, aren't there any fucking vampire doctors there, who know about this stuff?! How come not a single vampire or SOMEBODY wrote down what happens when a human is pregnant with a vampire?! The Cullen family just sits there and waits for what will happen. DO SOMETHING!

- Later, Bella has to drink blood (with a straw) to still the baby's thirst. She drinks multiple liters of that stuff....jesus! She just keeps on drinking blood as if they were smoothies. You can't just drink several liters of blood just like that. You are a human! You will inevitably throw up if not worse. If we learned anything from "Fight Club" than this!

- One of the worst parts by far, is when Bella comes up with baby names: if it's a boy: E.J....for Edward Jacob.....are you fucking kidding me?!
If it's a girl, she wants to combine Edward's and her mother's names: Rene and it's Renesme.
GOOD FUCKING GOD! YOU CAN'T JUST THROW TWO NAMES TOGETHER! This is not kindergarten! Did she come up with this shit after thinking about a cross between potatoes and brocolli, called potatolli?

- Pretty much towards the end of the movie, Bella gets a surgery, in which the baby is supposed to be removed from her...BY RAMMING A SCALPEL INTO HER STOMACH!......iiiiii am pretty sure that's not how it works guys. It's only when Edward SOMEHOW WITH THE HELP OF HIS TEETH munches the baby out of her vagina....what...the...fuck?! We don't get to see this. We just hear a strange nasty munching and crunching sound. The entire scene is very unsettling and disgusting, even when Edward holds this bloody baby in his hands that looks more like just a pile of...gore.

- Another disgusting part of this movie are Jacob's fantasies about the baby. Jacob has (if we are honest now) sexual fantasies about the newborn baby. This is fucked up right here! He dreams about the baby getting older and replacing sick!

- Rarely have i seen a movie whose plot is so paperthin: Bella gets married, has sex, and gets a baby. BAM! That's it. There's NOTHING happening in between. No action. NOTHING! This brings me to the question: WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU COME UP WITH THE IDEA OF SPLITTING THAT LAST TWILIGHT NOVEL UP INTO TWO MOVIES?! ABSOLUTELY NO JUSTIFICATION! (Except for money making.)

- The dialogue is just as bad as in the previous flicks but not as often unintentionally funny. It's mostly uninspired bad writing, which is clicheed at best.

----------------END OF SPOILERS----------------

"Breaking Dawn Part 1" is by far the worst of the series. The previous flicks were loaded with unintentional but hilarious comedy. "Breaking Dawn Part 1" on the other hand, is a very slow paced, unsettling, partly extremely disgusting, and most notably BORING movie! It feels like a complete set-up for the grand finale without telling you anything, except maybe for that weird and totally unnecessary message about abortion.
Why does such a movie even try to address such serious issues?! Every other installment in the series was just sticking to the stupid romance formula that they know their target audience loves, but with "Breaking Dawn" they completely threw their fanbase into cold water.
Suddenly tweens will feel like they are watching "A Serbian Film" (<< don't watch that movie).
Are you really trying to sell a movie about such poorly handled abortion and pregnancy issues to young teen girls?? Let me tell you,....a movie franchise like Twilight has absolutely NO teach or show anybody anything about such a complex subject like abortion.
I guess even for fans of the movie franchise, it will be hard to like this movie due to it's lack of anything happening and it's sudden, radical change to a grisly mood.
If you pointed a gun to my head and forced me to choose which Twilight movie was the best one: i'd say the first or second (they were at least the funniest ones).

If you are a diehard fan of the franchise you probably already saw this movie or will because you know what you are getting into.
For everyone else, avoid this movie like the plague! Not even if you are on a date! ONLY watch this movie if you are watching it with a bunch of friends (being drunk is recommended) and just want to have some laughs from it's unintentional comedy.

You are really better off not watching this undeniable low point of the ridiculous Twilight franchise, "Breaking Dawn Part 1".

Final Verdict: 0 out of 10


No comments:

Post a Comment