The Twilight Saga: Eclipse - Review


Yes i really sacrificed myself for you by watching Eclipse, to give you a review about it. But let's not pretend like you don't already know how this movie holds up. Well ok, here is what i say about this movie: ehm...well...it's a piece of shit.



At this point i would usually recap the plot for you, but regarding the fact that to understand a twilight movie you would have to watch the previous ones, this would take forever. So if you are really interested in the plot (i hope not), you can check out the synopsises of the movies on wikipedia. But i think most of you already roughly know what's going on in the "Twilight Saga" (Saga my ass).

Alright, in this review i will not warn you of spoilers, hoping that i can prevent you from wasting your money on this shit movie (doesn't matter if cinema or DVD).

Ok let's start with the things that i didn't like about Eclipse, or in other words: let's start with the "SHIT-LIST of Eclipse":

- In the Intro we get to see a dude being attacked by a vampire. At first i thought that this wasn't all that bad. Like a horror movie intro. Then the boy get's bitten by something and screams like he got his arm ripped off. In the final shot we get to see that he just got a small bite mark on his hand...WTF?! Biggest pussy ever?! Why the overthetop scream?

- Edward and Bella are just the bland, stupid, idotic, teen characters as always.

- The dialogues are always about the same topics: make me a vampire --> no. bella i love you. edward i love you. jacob: i love you too bella. i don't want to hurt you bella. it's too dangerous here BLA BLA BLA...in every single dialogue they are just weeping and whining.

- Eclipse doesn't make any improvements to the previous movies. It's the same old teen bullshit. Bella wants to fuck with Edward but they never do. The entire "Saga" can be defined as "porn for teen girls".

- Rarely have i seen such bad CGI in a theatrical release movie. The werewolves look like ass. The CGI is at tv show level.

- I never got why the werewolves and the vampires can't just be friends and live in peace together? Do they really hate each other just because a small group of asshole vampires killed some werewolves DECADES AGO!!!!??? Are you serious? That is just childish!

- The character Alice (Ashley Greene) is so waaaay hotter than dumbass Bella (Kristen Stewart). In my opinion Ashley Greene should play the leading role and not emo kid Kristen Stewart. It wouldn't help the movie much but anyway.

- The overall acting in the movie is really bad. Not only because the script of the entire movie is stupid but also because the actors only have a very small spectrum of emotions. Edward either looks angry or like he's on dope. Bella always looks like she is going to fall asleep at any second. And Jacob is just angry almost the whole time we see him. I just think all of them are bad actors. Especially Robert Pattinson.

- Why don't the vampires sparkle anymore? In the first Twilight we got introduced to the (bullshit) rule that vampires sparkle in the sunlight (instead of bursting into flames). In Eclipse, most of the time the vampires run around in broad daylight and don't sparkle at all. Seems like the director just didn't give a shit.

- The whole trouble the werewolf and vampire tribes get into is ALL BECAUSE OF BELLA! Why the hell is this stupid teenie emo girl worth it? Just kill her or something? What's so special about her anyway? In all those years in which Edward probably got to know pleeeenty of women, WHY IS SHE THE ONE?!

- This brings me to another question: Why is Jacob in love with Bella? She is dumb as fuck! She isn't even that attractive! Again...what the fuck is so special about her?!

- What's up with the gay overtone of the werewolves running around topless all the time? It's just put into the movie to make women freak out, i guess.

- Why do the werewolves transform whenever they want to? It doesn't even matter if it's night or full moon etc. They just transform whenever they want to. Pretty lame.

- In one backstory scene, we get to see that a vampire lady attacks an indian werewolve tribe. A weak indian woman has the BRILLIANT idea to kill herself and to so distract the vampire lady, so that a nearby werewolve could attack her from behind. Why the fuck did that woman kill herself? There are sooooooo many ways to distract somebody but nooooo she thought it would be the best idea to distract her by killing herself. Well here's an idea: How about you throw a rock at her, or get naked, or scream, or dance, or do ANYTHING EXCEPT KILLING YOURSELF! Did the vampire lady suck out her brain?!

- Just like the other Twilight movies, this movie is also waaaay too long and waaaay too boring.

- It seems like everytime Edward and Bella are together they are constantly in pain: I love you but i don't want to hurt you; I love you so much that it hurts BLA BLA...

- Why has Jacob become such a creepy pervert all of a sudden? He is talking like a rapist almost the whole time when he and Bella are together:"I will make you love me!" "You should take your clothes off so i can warm you!"

- The constant backstory telling is just out of place and seems like a desperate try to put some unmotivated depth into the bland characters. In the end you are just like "Oh god! I don't give a shit about her past!"

- What the fuck is the sparring fight scene supposed to show us? That vampires fight like pussies?! The werewolves just stand there and watch like "WTF?!".

- Are we really supposed to believe that this sissy vampire Jasper was a badass civil war soldier?...Yeah..Bullshit.

- After a while, the vampires and werewolves decide to bring Bella to a save place, so that the evil vampires can't find her. Where do they hide her? IN A TENT IN THE SNOWY MOUNTAINS! They must be total idiots. Why don't they bring her to a public place like a shopping mall or a police station or even better LEAVE THE STATE?!

- In this movie we finally get the proof that Bella is a manipulative bitch. Although she loves Edward, she just follows Jacob and tells him to kiss her. What a bitch!

- The final fight between the evil vampires and the good ones is as unimpressive as it can get. The final showdown just consists of people hustling each other and pushing each other on the ground.

- When a vampire dies, he crumbles like a broken statue. Well...that's way not as cool as bursting into flames, you know?

- In the end of Eclipse, we are exactly where we left off at the end of New Moon: Bella and Edward still want to marry and that's it. The whole movie accomplished NOTHING!



Well yeah those are the main complaints i had with Eclipse. But if you believe it or not, this movie also has some good, comedic moments:

- The scene in which Bella breaks her hand by trying to punch Jacob and screams in pain is kind of funny.

- The scene in which we see Edward in his graduation clothes is also pretty funny. He just looks like a total dork.

- The only character who is slightly sympathetic in the entire "Saga", is Bella's Dad, Charlie Swan. During all that teenager melodrama shit that is going on, he is always like "I don't give a shit!" and "God you guys are all just idiots!". His entire uninterested attitude is not only realistic but funny as well.




All in all, Eclipse might not be as bad as the previous Twilight movies, but it is truly not good enough to distinguish itself enough from the others. Eclipse is still a piece of shit. Die-hard, dumbass, idiotic, teenager, fan-girls will still find their pleasure watching this crap, but everyone else should better never watch Eclipse or any of the other Twilight movies, EVER! While the previous movies were kiiind of funny due to their stupid script, acting and unintended comedy, Eclipse is just dumb and boring. Do something better with your valuable life time than watching this junk. After some years everyone who went to a theater to see a Twilight movie is probably going to be embarassed to ever having spent money on such an ass of a movie.
With that said, if you aren't a teenage girl having the hots for Rob Pattinson, DON'T WATCH "Twilight Saga: Eclipse".



PS: I hope that Twilight Part 4 "Breaking Dawn" gets made. I am so curious of how they want to pull this one off. Just read the synopsis of breaking dawn on wikipedia and you will understand what i mean. Either this film remains unfilmable or it is going to be the greatest comedy ever.


Final Verdict: 1 out of 10

 

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